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Thursday, March 02, 2006

The Cosmo Sutra--How to Injure Yourself

Cosmo's like that lame buddy every one has who quite evidentally hasn't been laid in ages, who no one EVER saw take a girl even back to his dorm room freshmen year, yet who not only claims to get fucked a lot, but who claims to have all sorts of spectacular sexual adventures. Cosmo is that friend. And, quite obviously, they have their "own" version of the Kama Sutra, created by many of their undersexed writers, in which they pretend that they have sex in all these ridiculous positions that would make even a porn star pull a groin muscle and question whether or not she should have dropped out of The Bayonne School for Manicure Sciences.

The first in a new weekly installment:

Sexy Scissors

Hot how-to: You lie faceup on a desk or tabletop with your hips perched on the very edge. Raise your legs to an eye-popping 90-degree angle, then have your guy grab your ankles. He extends his arms out to his sides, and as your legs are spread-eagle, he enters you while standing. Next, he starts alternately crossing and spreading your legs like scissors, opening and closing as he thrusts.

Why you'll love it: No other love lock will offer you such a body-rockin' range of sensations. One second your limbs are in an erotic X and you're supertight for a snug fit -- then suddenly you're wide open and able to take him in deliciously deep. We guarantee these thigh-melting maneuvers will lead to a whoa-baby wave of Os.

A part of me while reading that couldn't help but think that I was reading arcane Ikea instructions. While, another part of me thought I was reading the choreography to some lame gay dance-off show.

sounds like a recipe for chafing & queefing to me
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