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Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Cosmo Makes A Prima Facie Admittance to Not Getting Laid

Every one masturbates. But, especially those that never get laid, like 13-year-olds, soldiers, and solitarily-confined inmates. So it's about time that Cosmo printed--rather, tried to sneak into it's mag--a little article about how to jerk off. Because, without Cosmo, we obviously would have no idea how one does that dirty, little thing to oneself. I'm having trouble, myself, is the formula:

Masturbation = creating friction with your hand on your genitalia + a little time + hand speed + mental imagery of Jessica Alba = spooge all over my headboard???

Alas, this guide is strictly for the ladies, sayeth Cosmo:...

Your Hands-on Guide to Solo Sex

We've all seen Britney Spears grab her goods onstage. But until her anthem to solo sex, "Touch of My Hand," it was tough to picture the ex-Mickey Mouse Clubber double-clicking her own mouse. Nowadays, she's hardly coy when talking about pleasuring her bod. And it seems to be contagious. Listen to Missy Elliott's "Toyz." Hint: She's not rapping about Tickle Me Elmo. Yet even though masturbation seems less taboo, the National Health and Social Life Survey reported that 58 percent of women don't indulge. And of those who do, 47 percent feel guilty. It's ridiculous, insists Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., author of Everything You Know About Love and Sex Is Wrong. "Masturbation prepares you for great sex, since you learn what you like and can teach a partner," she says. Every Cosmo girl should know how to wow herself. Here, a helping hand.
So what exactly is Misdemeanor rapping about? Oh! Her 18 inch dildo! HAHAHAHAHA! I get it. Cosmo, you slay me. OK, there's only two kinds of people:

*Those that masturbate (42%)
*And those that are fucking lying harlots (58%)

Why are 47% of girls feeling guilty about masturbating? It's sad, and makes no sense. I mean, I felt guilty that one time I stole and used a huge gob of lotion lube from my mom's $200 bottle of [Fancy French Word] Fountain of Youth wrinkle creme--which is made by monks from Lyon--in order to get my shwerve on with my hand back when I was 14--but feeling guilty about that is to be expected. Not cause I wasted her fancy lotion for my solipsistic pleasures, but rather because I came all over our guest towels.

And, why the fuck must Cosmo get a quote from that hag Pepper Schwartz for EVER SINGLE ARTICLE? Here's what she looks like:

"Masturbation prepares you for great sex, since you learn what you like and can teach a partner. For instance, I like to be scatted on while my cat watches."

She kind of looks like fellow hag Rachael Ray, who sounds very masturbatory when discussing food:

"Now add one table spoon of E.V.O.O.--that's Extra Virgin Olive Oil--(guffaw) and then simmer and you'll have some 'You Won't Be Single for Long Vodka Cream Pasta.' It looks AAAAAAAAAAAAWESOME! Mmmmm...I like to stick a rolling pin up my ass while I rub one out! And with tax and tip that leaves me $18 for the rest of the day!"

Solo Step 1: Get into the M Mind-Set

It takes more than a five-second lip-lock to get you in the mood for sex with him. Same holds true for a DIY session. To light your libido, create an atmosphere for arousal: a haven sans distractions where you can say to hell with inhibition. Lock the door so no one bursts in. Disconnect your phone(s). Add ambience with candles and slow jams.

Next, tune in to your head space. "If you're watching CNN and trying to masturbate, it's going to take a while," says Rachel Venning, cofounder of the sex boutique Toys in Babeland and coauthor of Sex Toys 101. "In order to reach your peak, you need to relax and focus." If it takes a glass of wine to block out your boss (buzz kill!) and transition from work to play, cheers. Once you feel mentally uncluttered, fill your mind with sexy thoughts. Picturing Johnny Depp in a loincloth might help. Or do as Liz,* 28, does. "I have a videotape of Top Gun that I keep set to the volleyball scene," she says. "All that action makes me want to get some."

*Names have been changed.
Seriously, can you imagine how creepy it would be if you had a friend or roommate that you found out "set the mood" for masturbating? How fucking weird is that? Here's my mood, typically:

Saturday afternoon:

2:35 PM: "I've watched far too many episodes of the "Next" marathon on MTV today...I should do something productive. But what. to. do?"

2:36 PM: "I could masturbate. Indeed!"

2:37 PM: Visit for some free porn on my laptop. Search term: "drunk girls amateurs questionable morals blond naturals."

2:38 PM: Set mood by turning A.C. on--one can get a little sweaty while vigorously masturbating, especially while still numb with a hangover; making sure doors are locked; yelling out, "Steeeeeve, you home?" to GUARANTEE that no one is home; and putting on "Cat's in the Cradle"* on my home stereo system as my deadbeat dad left my family when I was 3 and I like to cry whilst jerking it.

2:50 PM: Still going. I told you I was hungover and disillusioned with myself.

2:51 PM: Maybe left hand would be better? Ah yes!

2:54 PM: Done.

2:55 PM: Wash hands.

2:56 PM: Cuddle with myself.

*I prefer the inferior Ugly Kid Joe version to the better Cat Stevens (ne Yusuf Islam) version.

STEPS 2-5 tomorrow. Please do not hold it til then though. You will get major masturbatory blue balls.

'Cat's In The Cradle' was not by Cat Stevens; it was by Harry Chapin. I suppose you also think that 'Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds' was by The Diamonds? Or that 'Billy, Don't Be A Hero' was by Billy Vera? Or that 'Black Water' was by Black Sabbath? Or that 'Band On The Run' was by The Band? Or that 'Sister Golden Hair' was by Sister Hazel? (etc....)
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