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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Cosmo Circle Jerk Continues...

Solo Step 2: Explore Down South

One of the most private places to awaken your senses is in the tub. To get started, draw a bubble bath. "As you soak in the warm water, your muscle tension will melt," says Schwartz. "You'll be more responsive to touch when you're relaxed." Increase the release by massaging your inner thighs and running your hands up your tummy and over your breasts. Now circle your nipples with a sudsy fingertip, then gently tug on them. "If this is an erogenous zone for you, it may trigger tingles down below," adds Schwartz.

Now zero in on your hot spots by getting even more hands-on. "Our fingers are ideal tools for learning what type of pressure, speed and stroke work the best," says Sadie Allison, sex educator and author of Tickle Your Fancy: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Self-Pleasure. Let your digits wander south, tracing the sensitive folds of your inner labia. Get playful and draw the alphabet with your pinkie. Or try lightly tapping your clitoris with one finger, speeding up as you become aroused. All the while, note areas and touches that provide the most satisfaction. Bottom line: You're the master of your own domain. It takes trial and error to figure out what makes you tick. Experiment and you'll be surprised by the sexy sensations you can provoke. Take it from Sara, 23, who stumbled upon her own tub turn-on (and incidentally hasn't taken a shower since): "As the tub was filling up, I moved closer to the faucet to adjust the temperature," she explains. "The running water splashed on my clitoris and immediately felt good. So I wrapped my feet around the faucet and let the water flow over me. The excitement kept building."
Other times in life that you need to prep yourself by drawing a nice warm bath:

1. When committing suicide with a razor. Remember kids: cut PARALLEL to your veins, not perpendicular. Perpendicular cuts are much easier to suture up. No one wants to be known as the cutter than couldn't even kill herself.

As a side note, a lot of people orgasm during suicide--specifically hangings--so in a way, committing suicide and masturbating in the tub are one in the same.

So please, Pepper, DO IT!



+



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"Another great masturbation session...and I. Am. Spent!"





Solo Step 3: Try These Techniques

Now to hit your high note, you'll need to intensify the manual manipulation. "There's no one method that works for everyone," explains Allison, "but certain stroking styles are tried and true." Like a move she calls The Figure Eight. Use one or more fingers to glide up, over and around your clitoral area, tracing the number eight. You'll cover the clitoris and the inner labia -- a lusty locale that has nerve endings within its walls, which some women find even more arousing than the clitoris. Another favorite is The Compass. Hold two fingers out straight, side by side, and run them north to south and east to west over the width and length of your entire pleasure zone. A more advanced method is The Three-Fingers Thrill. Use your index and ring fingers to hold open your labia. This frees up your middle finger to stroke the tip of your clitoris.

Ultimately, you'll know what strikes a chord when a warm, flush feeling starts to set in. "Try not to be super goal-oriented, like, 'I have to have an orgasm in less than 15 minutes,' " says Venning. Just ride the wave of pleasure as your nether regions become more sensitive, your heart rate zooms, your breathing intensifies, and the walls of your vagina begin to contract -- all telltale signs you're bound for bliss.
OK, far be it for me to critique the labial value of using, say, The Figure Eight compared to the Compass. Or the Three-Fingers Thrill for that matter. I mean, when I finger girls I use the tried and true I'm-A-8th-Grader-So-Let's-See-How-Far-My-Middle-Finger-Can-Get-In Method.

What I will critique, however, is this line of brilliance:

"Ultimately, you'll know what strikes a chord when a warm, flush feeling starts to set in."

Let me get this straight. When it starts FEELING GOOD, then, and only THEN! will I know that I'm masturbating correctly?! Man, if only the other aspects of life were so easy.

Cosmo's advice for how to eat: When the object in your mouth starts tasting good, it means you've located food. Lick it, masticate it, and swallow it. We Cosmo Girls need this for nourishment! (Shhhh...but be sure and do the Three-Finger-Thrill to your throat a few minutes later to make sure you expectorate the food back into the toilet bowl! We want to be able to still fit into our "skinny" jeans!!!)







(A Cosmo Girl's B.F.F)











And remember, try to not to be super goal-oriented Cosmo Girls, like, "I hope to be at a Third Grade reading level by the end of this year!!! lol!!!"

Solo Step 4: Feel the Vibrations

Missy Elliott is on to something: Toys can be titillating. "Vibrators provide one of the strongest and most consistent forms of stimulation," says Judy Kuriansky, Ph.D., sex therapist and author of Generation Sex. Introduce the buzz factor once you've prepped yourself for pleasure, and it could make an orgasm a sure thing. But you have to know how to summon the sensations. Begin by working the vibrator over your clitoris, using the same techniques as described previously. (You may want to keep your panties on at first as a buffer; the buzz can be intense.) Then tease yourself by alternating speeds as your desire builds.

Just remember to switch up your routine. "Vibrators are great training wheels, especially for the gal who thinks she'll never get there," says Kuriansky. A word of caution though: Too much humming can potentially cause your nerve endings to become somewhat desensitized. Pace your usage of this joy stick and let your fingers do the work on the off days. Now that you know what makes your body tick, it's time to share your stimulating secrets with someone you love...or at least lust for.
What's with all the Missy Elliot references? Is Cosmo trying to get street cred? Maybe next month they'll have an article in which Kris Kross discusses the best way to answer the "Do I look fat in these jeans?" question.







"Warm it up Kris."

"I'm about to...go look for some work."








Cosmo ends this terrible article with a great little dessert for us. A total non-sequitor add-on:
Accidental Orgasms

Sometimes those Os come from surprising sources.

"I was in the hotel's hot tub when I flipped around to order a drink and inadvertently discovered perfect jet placement. Before I could say piña colada, the water pressure had sent me over the edge."
--Courtney, 19

"In the car, I keep my cell between my legs. One drive home, I was pissed at my guy so I refused to answer his calls. I guess he was worried -- he was pretty persistent. Luckily, the phone was on vibrate."
--Allie, 26

"I bought my jeans a size too small because they stretch, but I should've broken them in before class. Halfway through a lecture, my pants were practically molesting me. I had to excuse myself."
--Nat, 21

"My waxer moves my panties around as she works. One time, she pulled them up out of the way so she could get to the sides. The friction made me forget that Brazilians are supposed to be painful."
--Sarah, 32
"My penis was dirty once so I decided to wash it with Axe body wash as vigorously and thoroughly as I possibly could. Next thing I know...BOOM. All over my the shower radio! I thought I had broken myself."
--Aaron, 14


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The relative difficulties of women's and men's style

Both women and men could feel the difficulties of keeping their clothing up-to-date and in time, yet men's fashion usually feels a lot simpler. Of course, for both sexes, outfits and style options could be just as complex, and there are many'stylish'things that can quickly become fashion faux pas - who is able to say they often see people walking on in 70s flares? On the other hand, men's fashion features a few staple goods that can exist forever - which man is planning to keep an eye out of position with a good-quality, tailored suit, for example? Pick basic cuts, colors and fabrics and you'll never seem out-of-place.

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