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Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Cosmo Circle Jerk Continues...

Solo Step 2: Explore Down South

One of the most private places to awaken your senses is in the tub. To get started, draw a bubble bath. "As you soak in the warm water, your muscle tension will melt," says Schwartz. "You'll be more responsive to touch when you're relaxed." Increase the release by massaging your inner thighs and running your hands up your tummy and over your breasts. Now circle your nipples with a sudsy fingertip, then gently tug on them. "If this is an erogenous zone for you, it may trigger tingles down below," adds Schwartz.

Now zero in on your hot spots by getting even more hands-on. "Our fingers are ideal tools for learning what type of pressure, speed and stroke work the best," says Sadie Allison, sex educator and author of Tickle Your Fancy: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Self-Pleasure. Let your digits wander south, tracing the sensitive folds of your inner labia. Get playful and draw the alphabet with your pinkie. Or try lightly tapping your clitoris with one finger, speeding up as you become aroused. All the while, note areas and touches that provide the most satisfaction. Bottom line: You're the master of your own domain. It takes trial and error to figure out what makes you tick. Experiment and you'll be surprised by the sexy sensations you can provoke. Take it from Sara, 23, who stumbled upon her own tub turn-on (and incidentally hasn't taken a shower since): "As the tub was filling up, I moved closer to the faucet to adjust the temperature," she explains. "The running water splashed on my clitoris and immediately felt good. So I wrapped my feet around the faucet and let the water flow over me. The excitement kept building."
Other times in life that you need to prep yourself by drawing a nice warm bath:

1. When committing suicide with a razor. Remember kids: cut PARALLEL to your veins, not perpendicular. Perpendicular cuts are much easier to suture up. No one wants to be known as the cutter than couldn't even kill herself.

As a side note, a lot of people orgasm during suicide--specifically hangings--so in a way, committing suicide and masturbating in the tub are one in the same.

So please, Pepper, DO IT!



"Another great masturbation session...and I. Am. Spent!"

Solo Step 3: Try These Techniques

Now to hit your high note, you'll need to intensify the manual manipulation. "There's no one method that works for everyone," explains Allison, "but certain stroking styles are tried and true." Like a move she calls The Figure Eight. Use one or more fingers to glide up, over and around your clitoral area, tracing the number eight. You'll cover the clitoris and the inner labia -- a lusty locale that has nerve endings within its walls, which some women find even more arousing than the clitoris. Another favorite is The Compass. Hold two fingers out straight, side by side, and run them north to south and east to west over the width and length of your entire pleasure zone. A more advanced method is The Three-Fingers Thrill. Use your index and ring fingers to hold open your labia. This frees up your middle finger to stroke the tip of your clitoris.

Ultimately, you'll know what strikes a chord when a warm, flush feeling starts to set in. "Try not to be super goal-oriented, like, 'I have to have an orgasm in less than 15 minutes,' " says Venning. Just ride the wave of pleasure as your nether regions become more sensitive, your heart rate zooms, your breathing intensifies, and the walls of your vagina begin to contract -- all telltale signs you're bound for bliss.
OK, far be it for me to critique the labial value of using, say, The Figure Eight compared to the Compass. Or the Three-Fingers Thrill for that matter. I mean, when I finger girls I use the tried and true I'm-A-8th-Grader-So-Let's-See-How-Far-My-Middle-Finger-Can-Get-In Method.

What I will critique, however, is this line of brilliance:

"Ultimately, you'll know what strikes a chord when a warm, flush feeling starts to set in."

Let me get this straight. When it starts FEELING GOOD, then, and only THEN! will I know that I'm masturbating correctly?! Man, if only the other aspects of life were so easy.

Cosmo's advice for how to eat: When the object in your mouth starts tasting good, it means you've located food. Lick it, masticate it, and swallow it. We Cosmo Girls need this for nourishment! (Shhhh...but be sure and do the Three-Finger-Thrill to your throat a few minutes later to make sure you expectorate the food back into the toilet bowl! We want to be able to still fit into our "skinny" jeans!!!)

(A Cosmo Girl's B.F.F)

And remember, try to not to be super goal-oriented Cosmo Girls, like, "I hope to be at a Third Grade reading level by the end of this year!!! lol!!!"

Solo Step 4: Feel the Vibrations

Missy Elliott is on to something: Toys can be titillating. "Vibrators provide one of the strongest and most consistent forms of stimulation," says Judy Kuriansky, Ph.D., sex therapist and author of Generation Sex. Introduce the buzz factor once you've prepped yourself for pleasure, and it could make an orgasm a sure thing. But you have to know how to summon the sensations. Begin by working the vibrator over your clitoris, using the same techniques as described previously. (You may want to keep your panties on at first as a buffer; the buzz can be intense.) Then tease yourself by alternating speeds as your desire builds.

Just remember to switch up your routine. "Vibrators are great training wheels, especially for the gal who thinks she'll never get there," says Kuriansky. A word of caution though: Too much humming can potentially cause your nerve endings to become somewhat desensitized. Pace your usage of this joy stick and let your fingers do the work on the off days. Now that you know what makes your body tick, it's time to share your stimulating secrets with someone you love...or at least lust for.
What's with all the Missy Elliot references? Is Cosmo trying to get street cred? Maybe next month they'll have an article in which Kris Kross discusses the best way to answer the "Do I look fat in these jeans?" question.

"Warm it up Kris."

"I'm about to...go look for some work."

Cosmo ends this terrible article with a great little dessert for us. A total non-sequitor add-on:
Accidental Orgasms

Sometimes those Os come from surprising sources.

"I was in the hotel's hot tub when I flipped around to order a drink and inadvertently discovered perfect jet placement. Before I could say piƱa colada, the water pressure had sent me over the edge."
--Courtney, 19

"In the car, I keep my cell between my legs. One drive home, I was pissed at my guy so I refused to answer his calls. I guess he was worried -- he was pretty persistent. Luckily, the phone was on vibrate."
--Allie, 26

"I bought my jeans a size too small because they stretch, but I should've broken them in before class. Halfway through a lecture, my pants were practically molesting me. I had to excuse myself."
--Nat, 21

"My waxer moves my panties around as she works. One time, she pulled them up out of the way so she could get to the sides. The friction made me forget that Brazilians are supposed to be painful."
--Sarah, 32
"My penis was dirty once so I decided to wash it with Axe body wash as vigorously and thoroughly as I possibly could. Next thing I know...BOOM. All over my the shower radio! I thought I had broken myself."
--Aaron, 14

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Cosmo Makes A Prima Facie Admittance to Not Getting Laid

Every one masturbates. But, especially those that never get laid, like 13-year-olds, soldiers, and solitarily-confined inmates. So it's about time that Cosmo printed--rather, tried to sneak into it's mag--a little article about how to jerk off. Because, without Cosmo, we obviously would have no idea how one does that dirty, little thing to oneself. I'm having trouble, myself, is the formula:

Masturbation = creating friction with your hand on your genitalia + a little time + hand speed + mental imagery of Jessica Alba = spooge all over my headboard???

Alas, this guide is strictly for the ladies, sayeth Cosmo:...

Your Hands-on Guide to Solo Sex

We've all seen Britney Spears grab her goods onstage. But until her anthem to solo sex, "Touch of My Hand," it was tough to picture the ex-Mickey Mouse Clubber double-clicking her own mouse. Nowadays, she's hardly coy when talking about pleasuring her bod. And it seems to be contagious. Listen to Missy Elliott's "Toyz." Hint: She's not rapping about Tickle Me Elmo. Yet even though masturbation seems less taboo, the National Health and Social Life Survey reported that 58 percent of women don't indulge. And of those who do, 47 percent feel guilty. It's ridiculous, insists Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., author of Everything You Know About Love and Sex Is Wrong. "Masturbation prepares you for great sex, since you learn what you like and can teach a partner," she says. Every Cosmo girl should know how to wow herself. Here, a helping hand.
So what exactly is Misdemeanor rapping about? Oh! Her 18 inch dildo! HAHAHAHAHA! I get it. Cosmo, you slay me. OK, there's only two kinds of people:

*Those that masturbate (42%)
*And those that are fucking lying harlots (58%)

Why are 47% of girls feeling guilty about masturbating? It's sad, and makes no sense. I mean, I felt guilty that one time I stole and used a huge gob of lotion lube from my mom's $200 bottle of [Fancy French Word] Fountain of Youth wrinkle creme--which is made by monks from Lyon--in order to get my shwerve on with my hand back when I was 14--but feeling guilty about that is to be expected. Not cause I wasted her fancy lotion for my solipsistic pleasures, but rather because I came all over our guest towels.

And, why the fuck must Cosmo get a quote from that hag Pepper Schwartz for EVER SINGLE ARTICLE? Here's what she looks like:

"Masturbation prepares you for great sex, since you learn what you like and can teach a partner. For instance, I like to be scatted on while my cat watches."

She kind of looks like fellow hag Rachael Ray, who sounds very masturbatory when discussing food:

"Now add one table spoon of E.V.O.O.--that's Extra Virgin Olive Oil--(guffaw) and then simmer and you'll have some 'You Won't Be Single for Long Vodka Cream Pasta.' It looks AAAAAAAAAAAAWESOME! Mmmmm...I like to stick a rolling pin up my ass while I rub one out! And with tax and tip that leaves me $18 for the rest of the day!"

Solo Step 1: Get into the M Mind-Set

It takes more than a five-second lip-lock to get you in the mood for sex with him. Same holds true for a DIY session. To light your libido, create an atmosphere for arousal: a haven sans distractions where you can say to hell with inhibition. Lock the door so no one bursts in. Disconnect your phone(s). Add ambience with candles and slow jams.

Next, tune in to your head space. "If you're watching CNN and trying to masturbate, it's going to take a while," says Rachel Venning, cofounder of the sex boutique Toys in Babeland and coauthor of Sex Toys 101. "In order to reach your peak, you need to relax and focus." If it takes a glass of wine to block out your boss (buzz kill!) and transition from work to play, cheers. Once you feel mentally uncluttered, fill your mind with sexy thoughts. Picturing Johnny Depp in a loincloth might help. Or do as Liz,* 28, does. "I have a videotape of Top Gun that I keep set to the volleyball scene," she says. "All that action makes me want to get some."

*Names have been changed.
Seriously, can you imagine how creepy it would be if you had a friend or roommate that you found out "set the mood" for masturbating? How fucking weird is that? Here's my mood, typically:

Saturday afternoon:

2:35 PM: "I've watched far too many episodes of the "Next" marathon on MTV today...I should do something productive. But what. to. do?"

2:36 PM: "I could masturbate. Indeed!"

2:37 PM: Visit for some free porn on my laptop. Search term: "drunk girls amateurs questionable morals blond naturals."

2:38 PM: Set mood by turning A.C. on--one can get a little sweaty while vigorously masturbating, especially while still numb with a hangover; making sure doors are locked; yelling out, "Steeeeeve, you home?" to GUARANTEE that no one is home; and putting on "Cat's in the Cradle"* on my home stereo system as my deadbeat dad left my family when I was 3 and I like to cry whilst jerking it.

2:50 PM: Still going. I told you I was hungover and disillusioned with myself.

2:51 PM: Maybe left hand would be better? Ah yes!

2:54 PM: Done.

2:55 PM: Wash hands.

2:56 PM: Cuddle with myself.

*I prefer the inferior Ugly Kid Joe version to the better Cat Stevens (ne Yusuf Islam) version.

STEPS 2-5 tomorrow. Please do not hold it til then though. You will get major masturbatory blue balls.

Thursday, March 02, 2006

The Cosmo Sutra--How to Injure Yourself

Cosmo's like that lame buddy every one has who quite evidentally hasn't been laid in ages, who no one EVER saw take a girl even back to his dorm room freshmen year, yet who not only claims to get fucked a lot, but who claims to have all sorts of spectacular sexual adventures. Cosmo is that friend. And, quite obviously, they have their "own" version of the Kama Sutra, created by many of their undersexed writers, in which they pretend that they have sex in all these ridiculous positions that would make even a porn star pull a groin muscle and question whether or not she should have dropped out of The Bayonne School for Manicure Sciences.

The first in a new weekly installment:

Sexy Scissors

Hot how-to: You lie faceup on a desk or tabletop with your hips perched on the very edge. Raise your legs to an eye-popping 90-degree angle, then have your guy grab your ankles. He extends his arms out to his sides, and as your legs are spread-eagle, he enters you while standing. Next, he starts alternately crossing and spreading your legs like scissors, opening and closing as he thrusts.

Why you'll love it: No other love lock will offer you such a body-rockin' range of sensations. One second your limbs are in an erotic X and you're supertight for a snug fit -- then suddenly you're wide open and able to take him in deliciously deep. We guarantee these thigh-melting maneuvers will lead to a whoa-baby wave of Os.

A part of me while reading that couldn't help but think that I was reading arcane Ikea instructions. While, another part of me thought I was reading the choreography to some lame gay dance-off show.

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