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Monday, February 06, 2006

Tattoos. Not Just For Skanks. Also for the Douchebags that Bone Them.

In addition to being trite as hell, tattoos can clue you in to how big of tool yo' man is. I'll give you some insight on what male tattoos really mean, and why drinking before you get one is always a bad idea.*

Actually, men that get crosses, stars, or Buddhist symbols are fucking banal cliches showing respect to their ability to flip through the sample book at the local tattoo parlor with their "brahs" moments before deciding on what needs to be on their body for life. These guys are about as creative as people that quote Napoleon Dynamite in social situations. (And don't you love how Cosmo gets a quote from a motherfucking PhD in assessing what tattoos mean? I mean, seriously, a fucking PhD? Why? Oh right, because most people that waste their time going to additional schooling to get doctorates really have nothing worthwhile to contribute to society or they'd probably get off their asses and contribute it as opposed to going to school for another million years and then writing books about the (incorrect) social significance of barbwire tattoos.) As for that guy's tattoo leading you to believe he "breaks them (rules) all in the bedroom," he certainly does. Sodomy with another man is a crime in 38 states.

The female equivalent of the "spiritual" tattoo is the Chinese letters on the small of her back. Real deep man.

I'm not an Incan or Mayan or even Cherokee scholar or anything, but I'm pretty sure a set of parallel lines are not the war symbols of any indigenous tribe. They look more like one of those brain teasers, you know, Which line is longer?:

But seriously, wouldn't it be so much badder ass--so much fucking sexier--if this homo was covered in brainteasers? You know, an Escher or two, maybe that one that looks like an old lady one way/a young lady the other way, the fork with too few of prongs that never connect to the base...shit like that:

Or how bout if the guy was covered in one of those cool-in-the-early-90s Magic Eye things?:

(If you stare at this Magic Eye tattoo long enough, a douchebag will appear)

These would make a great bunch of tattoos, and immediately tell you, unequivocally, that the tattoo canvas was a man that you should never have sex with. Instead, it's a little tougher to figure out that one shouldn't have sex with Mr. Tribal Band and his "ubermasculinity." And I bet there's one hold that barred in that guy's lovemaking life...other girl's vagina holds...I mean, holes.

Now we come to this guy:

Maybe you can't see but he's covered head to toe in Disney tattoos, Mickey, Goofy, Aladdin, and Pinocchio's right in his groinal region. (Note: pray to god that this guy doesn't lie when he's around you. Pray.) And can I just say how happy I am that Cosmo included a less-than-toned guy in this month's issue. Kudos Cosmo. Kudos. Oh yeah, and what do these tattoos say about this guy? That he's never been laid by a willing participant.

The Asian Character. Man, how fucking stupid is it for a non-Asian to get that? It's a slap in the face. Like I'd get some Ebonics writing on my bicep or something.

Actually, that does look pretty cool. Maybe I will get that tattoo. It might inspire a trend. What would Cosmo say Ebonics-writing tattoos tell you about the guy with them? That he has a huge black schlong and won't pay your child support after he knocks you up? Let us only hope.

And for the record, any Asian tattoo no doubt translates to "Extreme Fag." Yes, Alaskans have 50 different words for snow, Mandarin has 1250 characters for "raging homo." T'is a beautiful language.

OK, seriously, is that not the worst, most Crackerjack-prize temporary tattoo you've ever seen in your life? If I was Kate--first of all I'd be pissed that I was a guy yet my parents named me Kate--and secondly I would dump this dude in a second for not even having the courage (and the love for me) to get a dirty needle perma-tattoo on his body.

And that was another terrible article by Cosmo. So now I'll recommend a few awesome tattoos of my own. Most of which I used to have before I had to get them lasered off in order to get hired by my current employer (The Latin Kings street gang--South Bronx division). I'll also tell you what they mean.

*Hebrew Characters
This tattoo is a salute to my heritage while also letting you know that I'm circumcised, have an annoying mother, and will never ever never have sex with you if you're a Jewish women.

*The Meta-Tattoo
For the irony lover, this tattoo denotes that you wittily mock girls that love to get tattoos on the smalls of their backs, while also showing that you're into choke-play--if you don't understand, don't ask.

*The Subterfuge Tat
This one is all about deception. By getting a tattoo of a hilariously small penis on your stomach, right above your actual penis, you totally fool the girl. True, you may only have a 4 inch schlong, but side-by-side with the 2 inch penis tattoo right above it, you look like John fuckin' Holmes. The prositutes' intense cries of ecstasy will prove how much you've fooled them!

One final note: remember tattoo-ing is no game. You may question whether or not you're a loser, but it's hard for the general public to ever know. When you decide to get a stereotypical tattoo, however, every one in the world now knows that you suck. So be safe. Next week we'll discuss what your penis and tongue piercings mean.

*I love that the photographer of these soft-core male porn shots is a guy named Butch. Bootch. How big of boner did he have on his tripod while taking these?

I would never have known about this really funny blog without the link from Eric Alterman's "Altercation." Thanks, Eric, and thanks all of you, whoever you are, who actually read "Cosmo." Do you buy it yourselves, or do you ask someone else to do it? (I ask this because my husband's sister once had an article in "Playgirl," and he asked me to go buy a copy. I didn't live that down from the guys at the newsstand for a looooong time...)
Tarquin, I make my sister buy the issues. Thanks to Eric Alterman, and I hope both of you keep reading.
Hey, you sure got a super blog here. Very interesting stuff. I've already put a book mark on it.

Pity I spend so much time blog-surfing that I often neglect my own. Silly me. :) But its so adictive.

Anyway, a lot of people are trying to make cash online nowadays, so I thought I'd help you out with a site that has some great tools.

tongue ring
Not bad to sit around doing nothing while your bank balance keeps growing. :)
Dude, I came across your page on accident, I started reading and it was the funniest shit ever. My best friend is subscribed to cosmo and Seventeen she gets them in the mail every month. Suprisingly she despises the sex sections and says she only gets them for the makeup sections. Still all of those magazines are fucking stupid. Am I the only girl that wants to burn the company down? You've gotta write more, this shit is great.
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