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Friday, February 17, 2006

Fuck Cosmo. For Sex Advice, Ask the Real Experts--Prostitutes

It's always bothered me that "professional" sex advice seems to come from the worst of sources--people that never fuck. Er, people that HAVEN'T fucked since L.B.J. was in office. You know, like her...


And her...


Yeah, it may be cute to hear some great-grandma tell you that "makin' whoopee" with the "drapes closed" can lead to the kind of "intercourse" that "trips the lights fantastic," (and "would you like some hard candy?") but is that really helpful? So some of us poor souls then go to Cosmo in the hopes of getting our needed sex questions answered. But of course they're even worse than the dried-up-vagina geriatrics in offering the fuck advice you need. So I thought, why don't REAL experts give sex advice. REAL professionals. Hookers.
Allow me to introduce our sexperts:

THE STREETWALKER

Name: Stacey "In-Box" Gordon
Rate: B/J $25; Fuck $50; Anal (Negotiable)

Stationed on the 800 block of 10th Avenue when the temperature is above 50 Fahrenheit, and in a corner booth at the nearby Popeye's when the weather is inclement, In-Box's hobbies include getting slapped, doing crack, and watching "Grey's Anatomy" with her "girls."

THE BROTHEL WHORE

Name: Shoshanna Fucksalot
Rate: Countless options and prices to fit with any budget, please consult menu.

Mrs. Fucksalot (birthname Allison Cromwell) became employed at Madame Tussuad's Waxed Pussy House after answering a monster.com job posting on a whim. A bit of a jokester around the bordello, Shoshanna spends her spare time taking S.T.D. tests and changing her bedsheets. She has a pet beaver named Vagina.

THE HOTEL ESCORT WHORE

Name: Tatiana
Rate: 1 hour "anything goes til you spurt" $200

Tatiana (not her real name, nor is she actually pictured here) can be any race you wish, any age you wish, even have a penis if you wish, but there's one thing you can't wish for--nor even pay the $200 for--her to be hot. See the picture of "her" that you're looking at in the back of the free newspaper you picked up at the deli? Take that picture, crumple it into a ball, spill some coffee grinds on it, poke a few holes in it, draw a terrible tattoo on the pictured woman's cleavage, and eliminate all of the photo's self-respect (if possible)--now that's what Tatiana will look like upon her arrival at your hotel room. Don't be too shocked. And since you're wasted, I'm sure you won't be. Tatiana plys her trade in the classiest of Manhattan hotel districts, the "ritzy" Madison Square Garden district. Don't worry, the concierge (ha ha) at the Hotel Pennsylvania doesn't mind. He's trying to dispose of an OD'ing heroin junky.



Now that you've met my bitches, on with the questions...(COMING SOON)

Comments:
Came to leave a comment, but have been scared away by the others...

(great site, though. Perhaps you could go after CosmoGirl and see what blow job skills they're teaching 12-year-olds who still think a tampon can take their virginity).
 
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