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Friday, February 24, 2006

Booty Call Protocol...COSMO yet again acts like they get laid

Ever notice that the people most likely to use the term "Booty Call" are also the ones least likely to actually get laid via a "booty call?" (And is it not time we come up with a better term than "booty call," God forbid? That term is so childishly antiquated and late-1990s-esque-sounding. I'm open to suggestions...a "Let's Fuck Foning (long "o" sound)"? A "Makin' Whoopee Ring-Up"? An "I'm-Drunk-and-Struck-Out-Tonight/You're-Pathetic-and-Want-to-Be-My-Girlfriend-So-I'll-Stupidly-Take-Advantage-of-That, Please-Come-Over-Post-haste-and-Bring-Beer"???? A bit unwieldy, but I like that last one: I.D.a.S.O.T/Y.P.a.W.t.b.M.G.S.I.S.T.A.o.T,P.C.O.P.h.a.B.B. That acronym rolls off your tongue like fuckin' N.A.S.A. or S.C.U.B.A)*


Here, now reprinted, in it's entirety--for one and all to mock--are COSMO's "Booty Call Protocol":

Booty-Call Protocol

If you're going to indulge in no-strings-attached nooky, you'd be wise to follow a few rules.


Booty-Call Rule 1: Once a month is enough. When you suggest meeting up more than once every few weeks or so, it will come across as more of an obligation than a friends-with-benefits thing.

Booty-Call Rule 2: Avoid the redial button. If he doesn't answer or call back after you make the first attempt, don't keep hitting redial. He could be sleeping or spending time with someone else...and you're not allowed to mind.

Booty-Call Rule 3: Don't overstay your welcome (or let him overstay his). Sleeping over or brunching can feel awkward when you're just shagging. Stay within your boundaries by skipping the couple-y stuff.

Booty-Call Rule 4: Be honest with yourself. It can be emotionally taxing to have uncommitted sex, so once in a while, have a truthful talk with yourself to make sure you're still okay (really) with the casual encounters.


Aaron back now. What's that old poker axiom? Something like, "There's always one sucker at the poker table. And if you're not sure who the sucker is, it's probably you." Well, reading Cosmo's advice, I'd have to say to those sad Cosmo girls, "There's always one cum dumpster in a booty call relationship, and, yes, Cosmo writer, it's most decidedly you."

Relax, people, there's only one rule to the booty call: furiously create friction until one or both of you comes. It ain't that hard. ("But Cosmo, can I text message for a booty call?" "What if I'm high and not drunk? Is that allowed?" "Am I allowed to enjoy the booty call sex, or is that too relationship-y and will that scare the guy off???" Seriously, SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. and enjoy your life and your sex. And quit reading Cosmo.)

And, now, just for the hell of it, with no comments necessary, the first three images found when the term "booty call" is google image searched:







Peace.



*Whoops, got a little too David Foster Wallace there.

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