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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Ask the Prostitutes

In the last post we met my stable of sexperts. Now they will use their professional knowledge to answer questions that some chuckleheads actually wrote into Cosmo in the hopes of receiving an answer. Listen folks, never ask Cosmo anything that really matters to you. Quoth Cosmopolitan:

Your Burning Sex Questions -- Answered

Even if you've had your share of lovers, awkward moments can still crop up in the sack and throw you for a loop. In today's ever-shifting sexual climate, a Cosmo girl needs advice on how to handle sexual stumbling blocks with unwavering confidence and finesse.

"People don't always remember that manners are important in bed," says Alexa Joy Sherman, coauthor of The Happy Hookup. "Knowing how to deal with any uncomfortable or unexpected twists and turns with a guy will make sex go more smoothly and spare both of you from embarrassment." So read on, because Cosmo is dishing out the sex-etiquette tips you've been asking for. Follow them and your next naughty encounter will be relatively stress free.

Well, my girls certainly lack in the manners department, and you only get uncomfortable or unexpected twists and turns if you pay extra for them, but nevertheless, on with the questions...

"We had sex and he didn't call. How should I handle the situation?"

COSMO says:
Waiting for that first postsex phone call can be terribly nerve-tweaking, so save yourself the requisite is-he-or-isn't-he-gonna-call freak-out and give him a ring ‑- but just one. "There's no shame in calling to tell him that you had a great time," says Greg Behrendt, coauthor of He's Just Not That into You. Some men find it sexy if you call them, especially if they aren't totally convinced that you had a good time. However, most dudes will follow up if they're interested, so if you dial him and he seems distant (or you leave a message and he doesn't return the call), it's a clear sign that he's not planning to pursue things further. But at least now you know.

Remember ladies, any good business woman has to be proactive. You can't just sit around hoping that fmr. clients call again to make a future appointment. Get on the phone, or better yet, have your personal assistant get on the phone, and follow up with the say, 250 guys that you fucked last week. Furthermore, after sex, I always like to give my paramours a "How Am I Doing?" card that sort of looks like this:

Please circle the option that best typified your sexual transaction with ________.

Strongly Agree / Agree / Neutral / Disagree / Blow Me

*I found my whore's demeanor to be kind and courteous.

*My whore's bedroom was neat, and I found only a negligible amt. of jizm, stray pubic hair, and discarded prophylactics during my visit.

*(if applic.) I found my whore's blowjobs to be conducted in a professional manner.

*The pricing my whore offered for her services was reasonable.

*I would like to stick my dick in this whore again.

After analyzing these cards, you should definitely know which men to expect follow-up calls from, and which men it may be better to forget.

"How can I ask a guy I'm dating if he's been tested for STDs without scaring him off?"

COSMO says:
The STD convo is one every Cosmo chick has to learn to weather. Even if your guy seems totally trustworthy and assures you he's clean, it's perfectly legit to request those test results on paper.
"If he balks, tell him that it has nothing to do with your feelings for him, nor is it a matter of trust," says relationship coach Susan Campbell, Ph.D., author of Truth in Dating: Finding Love by Getting Real. "Unfortunately, a lot of people don't even know they have an STD, so explain that it's just something you've decided to ask of all potential partners." Of course, if you ask him to get tested, be prepared to pony up your own results as well.

"IN-BOX" says:
You don't find yo'self turnin' tricks because you was a good test taker growin' up. So a' course my STD tests ain't too good and shit. Sheeeeeeeeet, I don't even know what STD stand for. Stupid Test of Diseases or sumpin'? Look, are you going ta' just talk to me or is you going to invite me into yo' car? I'll suck yo' crank so hard it'll pop like a can of Pringles. But, yo, youse got the carbon copy on your most recent Chlamydia test? It's the only one I ain't got yet. I'm a collector of STDs and am workin' on a complete set and shit. Holla.

"Do I have to admit the number of people I've slept with to him?"

COSMO says:
Hell, no. "If you're completely healthy ‑- meaning STD-free after being tested ‑- and he's aware of that, this is one of those gray areas in communication where you can keep it a little ambiguous," says Sherman. "If you think it's none of his business, say so or be vague and make a joke, like, 'More than Jessica Simpson and fewer than Jenna Jameson.'"

Only if you're bragging. Nothing emasculates a man quicker than learning that he's fucking a girl that herself has fucked some thousand-fold more people than him. And, if nothing else, sex is mainly for embarrassing others. Is it not? My personal credo: "Always try to patronize (def. 2) the man that is patronizing (def. 1) you!"

[Aaron note: I thought Jessica Simpson was as big of whore as Jenna Jameson though? Confused. Please advise, Cosmo.]

*Footnote for the laymans:
pa·tron·ize ( P ) Pronunciation Key (ptr-nz, ptr-)
tr.v. pa·tron·ized, pa·tron·iz·ing, pa·tron·iz·es
1. To go to as a customer, especially on a regular basis, (see prostitution).
2. To treat in a condescending manner.

"Should I reveal to someone I'm casually dating that I'm sleeping with someone else?"

COSMO says:
You don't have to, but it is the cool thing to do, especially if you expect the same from him. Don't be ashamed about the fact that you have options. "Tell him, 'Right now, I'm enjoying being single, being with you, and not being in a serious relationship,' " suggests Kerner.

If he prickles at the thought of you bedding another dude, tell him that you respect his feelings but that you want to take things slowly and just enjoy where you are right now, says Kerner. Then concentrate on showing him how into him you are. But be prepared: Your revelation could be a deal breaker, so gear up for the fact that he may choose to walk away...and he's entitled to.

The only "cool thing" to do is to make sure Guy A's dick is completely out of you before Guy B arrives.

"IN-BOX" says:
Look at Tatiana, thinking she all classy and shit just cause she got all her teeth. Fuck you, some guys like their dick gummed. But 2 answer the question, I haven't "bedded" a dude since George Clinton was Pres-o-dent. I do my fucking in back alleys. I ain't lying.

Does any one got some weed?

Thanks girls! That was some awesome advice. Maybe the Cosmo empire can expand to one more periodical to sit aside Cosmo and CosmoGirl on the newsstand: CosmoWhore. I'd read it*.

More questions answered from prostitutes and other sex-savvy experts coming soon...

*Any one got the energy to mock up a potential CosmoWhore cover for me? (I'm lazy and unskilled).

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