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Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Alas! Someone from Cosmo IS Getting Laid...

Unless she's a lying old shrew.


Helen Gurley Brown, COSMO's erstwhile editor from 1966 to 1998, and the original "Cosmo Girl" has a letter in this Sunday's New York Times Book Review in which she writes to defend a book by Gail Sheehy ("Sex and the Seasoned Women" and other books I will never read) that Toni Bentley ("The Surrender: An Erotic Memoir" about butt-fucking (very much a reference guide which I keep on my Ikea nightstand) and who once said "...my ass is my very own back door to heaven.") slammed in a review last week. I don't care about this little literary old bag cat fight, but what I do care about is H.G.B.'s final line of her letter:

"Being over 50 (84!), by the way, I found the book ["Sex and the Seasoned Women"] realistic and inspiring. Don't mean to sound braggy (you know I don't know how to keep secrets), but my 90-year-old playmate and I are still sexually involved--pleasurably, reasonably, frequently. Seems to me if we can, *anybody* can."
(My bolded emphasis, as well as my throw-up all over my ergonomic keyboard)

So it would seem that someone at Cosmo (kind of) is indeed getting laid.

It's letter time:

"Dear Cosmo,

Sometimes when I'm giving my favorite gentleman caller a knob job, during a particularly vigorous deepthroating, I remove my face--in the height of passion--to find my mouth now empty. Empty of my teeth that is. And then find myself staring aghast as my dentures have poly-dented themselves onto my amour's wrinkly schlong. Two parter: #1: Is this something I should be embarrassed about? #2: And how to recover from this little faux-pas?

Thanks,
H.G.B.
Carnegie Old Folks' Home
New York City."
Above: The H.G.B. and her decomposing fuck-buddy.

Come on, current Cosmo Girls, surely you're getting laid more than this old biddy.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Booty Call Protocol...COSMO yet again acts like they get laid

Ever notice that the people most likely to use the term "Booty Call" are also the ones least likely to actually get laid via a "booty call?" (And is it not time we come up with a better term than "booty call," God forbid? That term is so childishly antiquated and late-1990s-esque-sounding. I'm open to suggestions...a "Let's Fuck Foning (long "o" sound)"? A "Makin' Whoopee Ring-Up"? An "I'm-Drunk-and-Struck-Out-Tonight/You're-Pathetic-and-Want-to-Be-My-Girlfriend-So-I'll-Stupidly-Take-Advantage-of-That, Please-Come-Over-Post-haste-and-Bring-Beer"???? A bit unwieldy, but I like that last one: I.D.a.S.O.T/Y.P.a.W.t.b.M.G.S.I.S.T.A.o.T,P.C.O.P.h.a.B.B. That acronym rolls off your tongue like fuckin' N.A.S.A. or S.C.U.B.A)*


Here, now reprinted, in it's entirety--for one and all to mock--are COSMO's "Booty Call Protocol":

Booty-Call Protocol

If you're going to indulge in no-strings-attached nooky, you'd be wise to follow a few rules.


Booty-Call Rule 1: Once a month is enough. When you suggest meeting up more than once every few weeks or so, it will come across as more of an obligation than a friends-with-benefits thing.

Booty-Call Rule 2: Avoid the redial button. If he doesn't answer or call back after you make the first attempt, don't keep hitting redial. He could be sleeping or spending time with someone else...and you're not allowed to mind.

Booty-Call Rule 3: Don't overstay your welcome (or let him overstay his). Sleeping over or brunching can feel awkward when you're just shagging. Stay within your boundaries by skipping the couple-y stuff.

Booty-Call Rule 4: Be honest with yourself. It can be emotionally taxing to have uncommitted sex, so once in a while, have a truthful talk with yourself to make sure you're still okay (really) with the casual encounters.


Aaron back now. What's that old poker axiom? Something like, "There's always one sucker at the poker table. And if you're not sure who the sucker is, it's probably you." Well, reading Cosmo's advice, I'd have to say to those sad Cosmo girls, "There's always one cum dumpster in a booty call relationship, and, yes, Cosmo writer, it's most decidedly you."

Relax, people, there's only one rule to the booty call: furiously create friction until one or both of you comes. It ain't that hard. ("But Cosmo, can I text message for a booty call?" "What if I'm high and not drunk? Is that allowed?" "Am I allowed to enjoy the booty call sex, or is that too relationship-y and will that scare the guy off???" Seriously, SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. and enjoy your life and your sex. And quit reading Cosmo.)

And, now, just for the hell of it, with no comments necessary, the first three images found when the term "booty call" is google image searched:







Peace.



*Whoops, got a little too David Foster Wallace there.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Ask the Prostitutes

In the last post we met my stable of sexperts. Now they will use their professional knowledge to answer questions that some chuckleheads actually wrote into Cosmo in the hopes of receiving an answer. Listen folks, never ask Cosmo anything that really matters to you. Quoth Cosmopolitan:

Your Burning Sex Questions -- Answered

Even if you've had your share of lovers, awkward moments can still crop up in the sack and throw you for a loop. In today's ever-shifting sexual climate, a Cosmo girl needs advice on how to handle sexual stumbling blocks with unwavering confidence and finesse.

"People don't always remember that manners are important in bed," says Alexa Joy Sherman, coauthor of The Happy Hookup. "Knowing how to deal with any uncomfortable or unexpected twists and turns with a guy will make sex go more smoothly and spare both of you from embarrassment." So read on, because Cosmo is dishing out the sex-etiquette tips you've been asking for. Follow them and your next naughty encounter will be relatively stress free.


Well, my girls certainly lack in the manners department, and you only get uncomfortable or unexpected twists and turns if you pay extra for them, but nevertheless, on with the questions...

"We had sex and he didn't call. How should I handle the situation?"


COSMO says:
Waiting for that first postsex phone call can be terribly nerve-tweaking, so save yourself the requisite is-he-or-isn't-he-gonna-call freak-out and give him a ring ‑- but just one. "There's no shame in calling to tell him that you had a great time," says Greg Behrendt, coauthor of He's Just Not That into You. Some men find it sexy if you call them, especially if they aren't totally convinced that you had a good time. However, most dudes will follow up if they're interested, so if you dial him and he seems distant (or you leave a message and he doesn't return the call), it's a clear sign that he's not planning to pursue things further. But at least now you know.


SHOSHANNA FUCKSALOT says:
Remember ladies, any good business woman has to be proactive. You can't just sit around hoping that fmr. clients call again to make a future appointment. Get on the phone, or better yet, have your personal assistant get on the phone, and follow up with the say, 250 guys that you fucked last week. Furthermore, after sex, I always like to give my paramours a "How Am I Doing?" card that sort of looks like this:

Please circle the option that best typified your sexual transaction with ________.

Strongly Agree / Agree / Neutral / Disagree / Blow Me

*I found my whore's demeanor to be kind and courteous.

*My whore's bedroom was neat, and I found only a negligible amt. of jizm, stray pubic hair, and discarded prophylactics during my visit.

*(if applic.) I found my whore's blowjobs to be conducted in a professional manner.

*The pricing my whore offered for her services was reasonable.

*I would like to stick my dick in this whore again.

After analyzing these cards, you should definitely know which men to expect follow-up calls from, and which men it may be better to forget.


"How can I ask a guy I'm dating if he's been tested for STDs without scaring him off?"


COSMO says:
The STD convo is one every Cosmo chick has to learn to weather. Even if your guy seems totally trustworthy and assures you he's clean, it's perfectly legit to request those test results on paper.
"If he balks, tell him that it has nothing to do with your feelings for him, nor is it a matter of trust," says relationship coach Susan Campbell, Ph.D., author of Truth in Dating: Finding Love by Getting Real. "Unfortunately, a lot of people don't even know they have an STD, so explain that it's just something you've decided to ask of all potential partners." Of course, if you ask him to get tested, be prepared to pony up your own results as well.


"IN-BOX" says:
You don't find yo'self turnin' tricks because you was a good test taker growin' up. So a' course my STD tests ain't too good and shit. Sheeeeeeeeet, I don't even know what STD stand for. Stupid Test of Diseases or sumpin'? Look, are you going ta' just talk to me or is you going to invite me into yo' car? I'll suck yo' crank so hard it'll pop like a can of Pringles. But, yo, youse got the carbon copy on your most recent Chlamydia test? It's the only one I ain't got yet. I'm a collector of STDs and am workin' on a complete set and shit. Holla.


"Do I have to admit the number of people I've slept with to him?"


COSMO says:
Hell, no. "If you're completely healthy ‑- meaning STD-free after being tested ‑- and he's aware of that, this is one of those gray areas in communication where you can keep it a little ambiguous," says Sherman. "If you think it's none of his business, say so or be vague and make a joke, like, 'More than Jessica Simpson and fewer than Jenna Jameson.'"






TATIANA says:
Only if you're bragging. Nothing emasculates a man quicker than learning that he's fucking a girl that herself has fucked some thousand-fold more people than him. And, if nothing else, sex is mainly for embarrassing others. Is it not? My personal credo: "Always try to patronize (def. 2) the man that is patronizing (def. 1) you!"

[Aaron note: I thought Jessica Simpson was as big of whore as Jenna Jameson though? Confused. Please advise, Cosmo.]



*Footnote for the laymans:
pa·tron·ize ( P ) Pronunciation Key (ptr-nz, ptr-)
tr.v. pa·tron·ized, pa·tron·iz·ing, pa·tron·iz·es
1. To go to as a customer, especially on a regular basis, (see prostitution).
2. To treat in a condescending manner.


"Should I reveal to someone I'm casually dating that I'm sleeping with someone else?"


COSMO says:
You don't have to, but it is the cool thing to do, especially if you expect the same from him. Don't be ashamed about the fact that you have options. "Tell him, 'Right now, I'm enjoying being single, being with you, and not being in a serious relationship,' " suggests Kerner.

If he prickles at the thought of you bedding another dude, tell him that you respect his feelings but that you want to take things slowly and just enjoy where you are right now, says Kerner. Then concentrate on showing him how into him you are. But be prepared: Your revelation could be a deal breaker, so gear up for the fact that he may choose to walk away...and he's entitled to.


TATIANA says:
The only "cool thing" to do is to make sure Guy A's dick is completely out of you before Guy B arrives.





"IN-BOX" says:
Look at Tatiana, thinking she all classy and shit just cause she got all her teeth. Fuck you, some guys like their dick gummed. But 2 answer the question, I haven't "bedded" a dude since George Clinton was Pres-o-dent. I do my fucking in back alleys. I ain't lying.


SHOSHANNA FUCKSALOT says:
Does any one got some weed?





Thanks girls! That was some awesome advice. Maybe the Cosmo empire can expand to one more periodical to sit aside Cosmo and CosmoGirl on the newsstand: CosmoWhore. I'd read it*.






More questions answered from prostitutes and other sex-savvy experts coming soon...


*Any one got the energy to mock up a potential CosmoWhore cover for me? (I'm lazy and unskilled).

Friday, February 17, 2006

Fuck Cosmo. For Sex Advice, Ask the Real Experts--Prostitutes

It's always bothered me that "professional" sex advice seems to come from the worst of sources--people that never fuck. Er, people that HAVEN'T fucked since L.B.J. was in office. You know, like her...


And her...


Yeah, it may be cute to hear some great-grandma tell you that "makin' whoopee" with the "drapes closed" can lead to the kind of "intercourse" that "trips the lights fantastic," (and "would you like some hard candy?") but is that really helpful? So some of us poor souls then go to Cosmo in the hopes of getting our needed sex questions answered. But of course they're even worse than the dried-up-vagina geriatrics in offering the fuck advice you need. So I thought, why don't REAL experts give sex advice. REAL professionals. Hookers.
Allow me to introduce our sexperts:

THE STREETWALKER

Name: Stacey "In-Box" Gordon
Rate: B/J $25; Fuck $50; Anal (Negotiable)

Stationed on the 800 block of 10th Avenue when the temperature is above 50 Fahrenheit, and in a corner booth at the nearby Popeye's when the weather is inclement, In-Box's hobbies include getting slapped, doing crack, and watching "Grey's Anatomy" with her "girls."

THE BROTHEL WHORE

Name: Shoshanna Fucksalot
Rate: Countless options and prices to fit with any budget, please consult menu.

Mrs. Fucksalot (birthname Allison Cromwell) became employed at Madame Tussuad's Waxed Pussy House after answering a monster.com job posting on a whim. A bit of a jokester around the bordello, Shoshanna spends her spare time taking S.T.D. tests and changing her bedsheets. She has a pet beaver named Vagina.

THE HOTEL ESCORT WHORE

Name: Tatiana
Rate: 1 hour "anything goes til you spurt" $200

Tatiana (not her real name, nor is she actually pictured here) can be any race you wish, any age you wish, even have a penis if you wish, but there's one thing you can't wish for--nor even pay the $200 for--her to be hot. See the picture of "her" that you're looking at in the back of the free newspaper you picked up at the deli? Take that picture, crumple it into a ball, spill some coffee grinds on it, poke a few holes in it, draw a terrible tattoo on the pictured woman's cleavage, and eliminate all of the photo's self-respect (if possible)--now that's what Tatiana will look like upon her arrival at your hotel room. Don't be too shocked. And since you're wasted, I'm sure you won't be. Tatiana plys her trade in the classiest of Manhattan hotel districts, the "ritzy" Madison Square Garden district. Don't worry, the concierge (ha ha) at the Hotel Pennsylvania doesn't mind. He's trying to dispose of an OD'ing heroin junky.



Now that you've met my bitches, on with the questions...(COMING SOON)

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

TEAM ANISTON OR TEAM COSMO?

Question: Notice any similarities?





Answer: Both have sex with lots of very hot men.

Monday, February 06, 2006

I.A.A.C.G.L. Gets Called Out By a Former Cosmo-naut

Well, last week saw our blog featured on Gawker, MSN and Nerve among several others and, predictably, traffic soared--yet, no backlash, not even a murmur from a current Cosmo employee, or please, please, Lawd please, a Cosmo higher-up. And this, despite the fact that dozens and dozens of IP addresses from Hearst Corp* (yeah, we know you read our blog) have viewed the site. A current Cosmo employee mole that may be working for me in the future (interview to come soon...) has even informed me that the great Brooke Le Poer Trench has read the blog post about her. Yet still no response. Please, other Cosmo insiders, hell, other Cosmo folks that want to defend your terrible monthly advice, we very much look forward to hearing from you--email us, your anonymity will remain secure, I promise.

For now, though, we'll focus on a former Cosmo-naut that contacted me and who which I'm still having a very nice conversation with, which I'm not allowed to discuss further at this point. However, she did bring up a terrific point which I'd like to address. After a heated exchange she asked me, actually told me:

"...you are either a jerk or you don't get laid very often."

A very valid point. How can I make fun of Cosmo's terrible sex advice if I'm less sex-savvy than them? (Note: I make no bones about be a jerk--I very much am). Making fun of Cosmo's advice if I could offer none better myself would be like a big fat guy making fun of and brutally critiquing all the phenomenal athletes in the NFL. Oh wait...

Len Pasquarelli, ESPN.com fat blowhard.

Jason Whitlock, enormously fat critic of in-shape athletes/slash people that can actually touch their toes.


OK, fair enough--but, nevertheless, I KNOW what I'm talking about. So I encourage readers of this blog to please send in any sex questions and we'll answer them with veracious advice, good advice, not the shit way that Cosmo would and does.

Send sex questions to CosmoAaron.

(And send questions about how to be a jerk to the same address.)


*The Hearst Corporation publishes Cosmopolitan along with such other now-shitty magazines as Redbook, Good Housekeeping, and Fellatio Insider, all the while William Randolph Hearst rolls around in his grave. Rosebud!

Tattoos. Not Just For Skanks. Also for the Douchebags that Bone Them.

In addition to being trite as hell, tattoos can clue you in to how big of tool yo' man is. I'll give you some insight on what male tattoos really mean, and why drinking before you get one is always a bad idea.*


Actually, men that get crosses, stars, or Buddhist symbols are fucking banal cliches showing respect to their ability to flip through the sample book at the local tattoo parlor with their "brahs" moments before deciding on what needs to be on their body for life. These guys are about as creative as people that quote Napoleon Dynamite in social situations. (And don't you love how Cosmo gets a quote from a motherfucking PhD in assessing what tattoos mean? I mean, seriously, a fucking PhD? Why? Oh right, because most people that waste their time going to additional schooling to get doctorates really have nothing worthwhile to contribute to society or they'd probably get off their asses and contribute it as opposed to going to school for another million years and then writing books about the (incorrect) social significance of barbwire tattoos.) As for that guy's tattoo leading you to believe he "breaks them (rules) all in the bedroom," he certainly does. Sodomy with another man is a crime in 38 states.

The female equivalent of the "spiritual" tattoo is the Chinese letters on the small of her back. Real deep man.


I'm not an Incan or Mayan or even Cherokee scholar or anything, but I'm pretty sure a set of parallel lines are not the war symbols of any indigenous tribe. They look more like one of those brain teasers, you know, Which line is longer?:

But seriously, wouldn't it be so much badder ass--so much fucking sexier--if this homo was covered in brainteasers? You know, an Escher or two, maybe that one that looks like an old lady one way/a young lady the other way, the fork with too few of prongs that never connect to the base...shit like that:


Or how bout if the guy was covered in one of those cool-in-the-early-90s Magic Eye things?:

(If you stare at this Magic Eye tattoo long enough, a douchebag will appear)

These would make a great bunch of tattoos, and immediately tell you, unequivocally, that the tattoo canvas was a man that you should never have sex with. Instead, it's a little tougher to figure out that one shouldn't have sex with Mr. Tribal Band and his "ubermasculinity." And I bet there's one hold that barred in that guy's lovemaking life...other girl's vagina holds...I mean, holes.

Now we come to this guy:


Maybe you can't see but he's covered head to toe in Disney tattoos, Mickey, Goofy, Aladdin, and Pinocchio's right in his groinal region. (Note: pray to god that this guy doesn't lie when he's around you. Pray.) And can I just say how happy I am that Cosmo included a less-than-toned guy in this month's issue. Kudos Cosmo. Kudos. Oh yeah, and what do these tattoos say about this guy? That he's never been laid by a willing participant.



The Asian Character. Man, how fucking stupid is it for a non-Asian to get that? It's a slap in the face. Like I'd get some Ebonics writing on my bicep or something.

Actually, that does look pretty cool. Maybe I will get that tattoo. It might inspire a trend. What would Cosmo say Ebonics-writing tattoos tell you about the guy with them? That he has a huge black schlong and won't pay your child support after he knocks you up? Let us only hope.

And for the record, any Asian tattoo no doubt translates to "Extreme Fag." Yes, Alaskans have 50 different words for snow, Mandarin has 1250 characters for "raging homo." T'is a beautiful language.

OK, seriously, is that not the worst, most Crackerjack-prize temporary tattoo you've ever seen in your life? If I was Kate--first of all I'd be pissed that I was a guy yet my parents named me Kate--and secondly I would dump this dude in a second for not even having the courage (and the love for me) to get a dirty needle perma-tattoo on his body.

And that was another terrible article by Cosmo. So now I'll recommend a few awesome tattoos of my own. Most of which I used to have before I had to get them lasered off in order to get hired by my current employer (The Latin Kings street gang--South Bronx division). I'll also tell you what they mean.

*Hebrew Characters
This tattoo is a salute to my heritage while also letting you know that I'm circumcised, have an annoying mother, and will never ever never have sex with you if you're a Jewish women.

*The Meta-Tattoo
For the irony lover, this tattoo denotes that you wittily mock girls that love to get tattoos on the smalls of their backs, while also showing that you're into choke-play--if you don't understand, don't ask.

*The Subterfuge Tat
This one is all about deception. By getting a tattoo of a hilariously small penis on your stomach, right above your actual penis, you totally fool the girl. True, you may only have a 4 inch schlong, but side-by-side with the 2 inch penis tattoo right above it, you look like John fuckin' Holmes. The prositutes' intense cries of ecstasy will prove how much you've fooled them!

One final note: remember tattoo-ing is no game. You may question whether or not you're a loser, but it's hard for the general public to ever know. When you decide to get a stereotypical tattoo, however, every one in the world now knows that you suck. So be safe. Next week we'll discuss what your penis and tongue piercings mean.

*I love that the photographer of these soft-core male porn shots is a guy named Butch. Bootch. How big of boner did he have on his tripod while taking these?

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