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Wednesday, January 04, 2006

Women's Most Private Sex Questions Answered

Cosmopolitan gives terrible, terrible advice to the stupid women who write in to ask them questions. My answers may not be more helpful, but they're certainly funnier. (And probably more helpful too)
A: That's funny, sometimes when I'm having sex with you, my penis makes a noise that sounds a bit like (muffled): "Aaron...quit sticking me into stupid women's cooters." But seriously, if you truly want to prevent this vagina noise, just quit spreading your legs for every guido that tells you you're pretty.
A: Seriously, Cosmopolitan here gives a more fucking retarded answer than I could ever possibly conjure up (and I've been drinking tonight). So just read their's in its entirety:
A: this a woman asking this question? "(You're) not sure if (you're) doing it well"? Question: are several ounces of spunk floating on top of your vocal cords after you're finished? Yes? Well then you're probably at least doing it " O.K." How can you make it "awesome" though? By not being such a stupid uptight bitch that is so concerned with her "technique" that she writes into COSMO for advice. Oh yeah, and by buying your man lots of free drinks. Then, he'll definitely think you give awesome head.
A: Wait, what's a "period"? Is that when flowers spring from your asshole while beer pours from your nipples in pure ecstasy? No? What's that? You say it's when a sticky, odoriferous blood flows out of your snatch once a month? OK. Short answer: yes to all women, that will totally gross your guy out--get real. In fact, you'll probably be lucky if you don't gross out your vibrator, causing it to spontaneously eject its batteries and refuse to serve you. If you're truly that horny, you're going to have to get a little "red fingers."
A: Yes. Don't make your man ever go down on your sardine can.
A: Wow! You use both missionary AND woman-on-top in a single fuck session?! Slow down Miss Karma Sutra! Do you guys grab each other's butts too? Outstanding! I think this is far too expert of question for the good folks at COSMO to answer. A question more up their alley might be something like: "When switching from jerking off with my left hand to jerking off with my right hand, do most people use a tag team move to switch hands or simply use a re-grip like Stallone in 'Over the Top?'"
A: I've heard women have brains. Where are they located? And what should I do if I find one? Help!
(images from Cosmopolitan magazine)

while I do agree with your hatred for Cosmo because it is retarded, I don't agree about the period sex. I"ve never met a man who has a problem with it. In fact, it is a relief to them not to worry about pregnancy.
Actually, women can get pregnant during their period. It is never safe to assume that just because you are ragging it, it is OK to not use birth control.
Or maybe you're just boning a virgin and that's creating the bloody mess? But you can't get pregnant your "first time" right? So again, no worries.
I never buy Cosmo but found one on the floor at the gym and decided to take it home for a laugh. I have yet to read it, but one of the cover lines was, "What is he REALLY thinking after sex?" Who gives a rat's ass? Not me. Shut up and go to sleep.

Regarding period sex, I am usually the one who doesn't want to have sex during my period, simply because cleanup is a hassle. In MOST cases, the guy has insisted that he doesn't care and just wants some. However, this is generally with a guy I have an ongoing thing with, not a random. I think a guy's tolerance for grossness goes up with someone he is fond of/familiar with, and ditto for girls toward guys.
Yes, that's exactly why I used to love it when my ex would start farting contests during dinner.
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