IS ANYONE AT GETTING LAID?

Cosmopolitan sucks, true, but lest you think we will only rip on them, remember, they're kinda good compared to some of the other women's glossies. For instance, we know that no one that writes Cosmo articles is getting laid, but they probably get an occasionally feel-up or handjob. Glamour magazine, on the other hand, not so much. I think the sex advice articles in Glamour must be written by virgins they're so goddamned terrible. No, they're even worse than that--they must be written by virgins trying to explain sex to some 90 year old lady.

To wit, let's examine Glamour's January issue:

Let's look at a few of their vocab words. All supplied courtesy of "Jake." He calls himself--quite lasciviously--"the Snake, as in Jake the Snake." Not because he has a big penis or anything, but because he's a big fucking loser. There will be no pop quiz later in the week, do not worry about trying to memorize the terms.

You have got to be effing kidding me. Has any person in the history of the world brought her whole "crew" along on a date? Are you serious? (Does any girl in the world call her friends, her "crew") This has never happened except in a Hilary Duff movie. But those are so funny, that we allow the artistic license!

No, we actually just use this fancy term from the male lexicon: "ugly." We would call that woman ugly.

That's funny. I call that, "Prostitute Accepts my Offer."

You write like a fucking idiot today, baby. A major fucking, fucking idiot. So that's why I'm not gonna directly make fun of you. Instead, I'm gonna indirectly make fun of you. Because it'd be plain offensive if I was mocking you as much as I'd like to mock you, Jake. Loser.

What?!

Come on. Be fucking serious, Jacob. Do you really think any one that's reads this magazine gets a goddamn Hitchcock reference? Grace Kelly was in THREE--and only three--Hitchcock films ("Rear Window," "Dial M for Murder," and "To Catch a Thief") all made before 1955. What percentage of worthless ex-sorority girls that read this shit mag while getting their pedis and manis do you think have seen either of those movies? 0.5%? Too high? Maybe 0.3%? Christ. Next you'll be making a Ozu or Godard reference. "The Godard." It's like when a woman starts jump-cutting during a date with you.

So, those were all terrible words from the male lexicon, Jake. I'd like to offer a few "male" vocab words of mine own, seeing as that I actually am a real man that hangs out with other real men and also brings real women home from bars (without having to call them vocab words other than "sluts" and "skanks").

"THE T.L.C."
Much different than the "Destiny's Child," this is when a woman brings along her whole "crew" on a date, and one of them dies in a car wreck and the other gets sickle cell anemia--DURING THE DATE!

"THE GAG OF DEATH"
This is when a woman chokes on your semen after blowing you, causing me, Aaron, to fall into the actual Laugh of Death.

"WOMEN LIKE ASSHOLES"
This is what it's called when you act like a Fourth Grader. For some reason women prefer guys who fart on them, make fun of their fat asses, and then say that they'll never call them. Women fuck those guys--those "fourth graders." The guys that sing Journey songs to her, well, they end up going home and crying over their keyboard as they write their newest column for Glamour.

"PATHETIC PUSSY FAGGOT-ASS GODDAMNED SHITHEAD DOUCHE BAG"
This fancy term is what we real men use to refer to the men that write for Glamour. Like Jake.