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Thursday, January 05, 2006

Women: Glamour Reveals the Secrets to Man-Speak!!!

Cosmopolitan sucks, true, but lest you think we will only rip on them, remember, they're kinda good compared to some of the other women's glossies. For instance, we know that no one that writes Cosmo articles is getting laid, but they probably get an occasionally feel-up or handjob. Glamour magazine, on the other hand, not so much. I think the sex advice articles in Glamour must be written by virgins they're so goddamned terrible. No, they're even worse than that--they must be written by virgins trying to explain sex to some 90 year old lady.

To wit, let's examine Glamour's January issue:

Let's look at a few of their vocab words. All supplied courtesy of "Jake." He calls himself--quite lasciviously--"the Snake, as in Jake the Snake." Not because he has a big penis or anything, but because he's a big fucking loser. There will be no pop quiz later in the week, do not worry about trying to memorize the terms.

You have got to be effing kidding me. Has any person in the history of the world brought her whole "crew" along on a date? Are you serious? (Does any girl in the world call her friends, her "crew") This has never happened except in a Hilary Duff movie. But those are so funny, that we allow the artistic license!

No, we actually just use this fancy term from the male lexicon: "ugly." We would call that woman ugly.

That's funny. I call that, "Prostitute Accepts my Offer."

You write like a fucking idiot today, baby. A major fucking, fucking idiot. So that's why I'm not gonna directly make fun of you. Instead, I'm gonna indirectly make fun of you. Because it'd be plain offensive if I was mocking you as much as I'd like to mock you, Jake. Loser.

What?!

Come on. Be fucking serious, Jacob. Do you really think any one that's reads this magazine gets a goddamn Hitchcock reference? Grace Kelly was in THREE--and only three--Hitchcock films ("Rear Window," "Dial M for Murder," and "To Catch a Thief") all made before 1955. What percentage of worthless ex-sorority girls that read this shit mag while getting their pedis and manis do you think have seen either of those movies? 0.5%? Too high? Maybe 0.3%? Christ. Next you'll be making a Ozu or Godard reference. "The Godard." It's like when a woman starts jump-cutting during a date with you.

So, those were all terrible words from the male lexicon, Jake. I'd like to offer a few "male" vocab words of mine own, seeing as that I actually am a real man that hangs out with other real men and also brings real women home from bars (without having to call them vocab words other than "sluts" and "skanks").

"THE T.L.C."
Much different than the "Destiny's Child," this is when a woman brings along her whole "crew" on a date, and one of them dies in a car wreck and the other gets sickle cell anemia--DURING THE DATE!

"THE GAG OF DEATH"
This is when a woman chokes on your semen after blowing you, causing me, Aaron, to fall into the actual Laugh of Death.

"WOMEN LIKE ASSHOLES"
This is what it's called when you act like a Fourth Grader. For some reason women prefer guys who fart on them, make fun of their fat asses, and then say that they'll never call them. Women fuck those guys--those "fourth graders." The guys that sing Journey songs to her, well, they end up going home and crying over their keyboard as they write their newest column for Glamour.

"PATHETIC PUSSY FAGGOT-ASS GODDAMNED SHITHEAD DOUCHE BAG"
This fancy term is what we real men use to refer to the men that write for Glamour. Like Jake.

Comments:
you are fucking hilarious
 
Jake is as real as Lloyd Dobbler and the Easter Bunny. Jake is too faggy to be gay.
 
Anon,

Are you saying you actually really know Jake? Please divulge more for the sake of science.
 
You actually wasted time reading this crap and writing about it?.. I don't know hat weirder: Glamour or you!
 
"Jake" has been writing for Glamour for what, 75 years? If Jake is real, he must have a prostate the size of Roosevelt Island.
 
Jake combs through Glamour magazine with a fine tooth comb. There's a reason why Jake is living single.
 
"Jake" wears baseball caps meticulously turned backwards, just like the guy on Gilmore girls, to give him a touch of apparent veracity as a real guy.
 
So, you're a "real" man?:)I think you and Jake need to get together,have sex and get it over with...I see a few Freud-like comments him in your article...You both suck:)
 
jjPTM8 The best blog you have!
 
12f2lT Wonderful blog.
 
Thanks to author.
 
Nice Article.
 
Nice Article.
 
Good job!
 
Thanks to author.
 
Please write anything else!
 
actually, that's brilliant. Thank you. I'm going to pass that on to a couple of people.
 
actually, that's brilliant. Thank you. I'm going to pass that on to a couple of people.
 
HXH7W2 write more, thanks.
 
actually, that's brilliant. Thank you. I'm going to pass that on to a couple of people.
 
actually, that's brilliant. Thank you. I'm going to pass that on to a couple of people.
 
Hello all!
 
Good job!
 
Magnific!
 
Magnific!
 
Wonderful blog.
 
Good job!
 
Magnific!
 
Thanks to author.
 
Please write anything else!
 
Please write anything else!
 
Hello all!
 
What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
 
Build a watch in 179 easy steps - by C. Forsberg.
 
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
 
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
 
640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates 81
 
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
 
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
 
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
 
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
 
Nice Article.
 
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
 
A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.
 
640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates 81
 
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
 
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
 
Save the whales, collect the whole set
 
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
 
Save the whales, collect the whole set
 
Thanks to author.
 
C++ should have been called B
 
What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
 
Thanks to author.
 
All generalizations are false, including this one.
 
C++ should have been called B
 
What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
 
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies
 
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
 
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
 
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
 
Save the whales, collect the whole set
 
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
 
Build a watch in 179 easy steps - by C. Forsberg.
 
Build a watch in 179 easy steps - by C. Forsberg.
 
Hello all!
 
What is a free gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
 
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
 
Build a watch in 179 easy steps - by C. Forsberg.
 
Good job!
 
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
 
Beam me aboard, Scotty..... Sure. Will a 2x10 do?
 
actually, that's brilliant. Thank you. I'm going to pass that on to a couple of people.
 
Save the whales, collect the whole set
 
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
 
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
 
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies
 
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
 
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
 
C++ should have been called B
 
640K ought to be enough for anybody. - Bill Gates 81
 
Good job!
 
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
 
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
 
Clap on! , Clap off! clap@#&$NO CARRIER
 
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