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Tuesday, January 31, 2006

I CAN HELP WOMEN! My Cosmopolitan Job Application

It's really starting to seem like Cosmo wants me to work for them. Call it kismet, call it some other obscure word that I can't really define, but it would seem that the stars are aligning for me to work there. To wit...

This job listing was posted on Mediabistro just yesterday asking for an associate editor at the mag.

I excitedly scurried to my laptop to type up a cover letter to submit for their perusal:

Dear Mr. Human Resources Manager:

Is that your real name? It’s very pretty. French-Canadian? Enough with the formalities, I write because I am very interested in the Associate Entertainment Editor position at Cosmopolitan magazine (from this point on, I will lovingly refer to it simply as “Cosmo” for the sake of brevity and hipness.)

Why would I be perfect for this job? Firstly, I write a blog called “Is Anyone at Cosmo Getting Laid?”. And, secondly, I’ve had sex before! More on this point later.

In my blog, I mock the inane articles written by your magazine’s staff of virgins under the guise of “helping” women. All that Cosmo’s “advice” has done is led women to think that steamy sex begins and ends with putting a glazed donut over the base of a man’s schlong, while also convincing women that having a smelly cha-cha and fucking on the rag are “all right.” They ain’t.

In fact, Cosmo’s advice is so pathetically sad, so unintentionally hilarious, so sexually off-base, that I have to believe no one at your magazine ever gets laid—hence, my blog’s title. I’m correct, right? Are you lonesome tonight, Mr. H.R. Manager?

Now we move to point two. While there is certainly no shame in never having “made love” in your entire life if one is, say, a Mormon missionary, a juvenile inmate, or a eunuch, there is quite an ignominious shame when virgins try to write “steamy” sex advice for the “largest-selling (sic) young women’s magazine in the world.”

Here is where I can help. Being that I have had sex before, I will be a huge asset in creating veracious content for Cosmo. Imagine me sitting in the offices when one of your writers—maybe the great Brooke Le Poer Trench par examplar—comes up with a new article topic. “I’ve got a great idea!” she’ll say, “How bout “50 Ways To Have Sex in a Public Restroom?” Great idea! all the employees at your magazine will declare. Then, I, the only one who has had sex before will say, “Brooke, that’s a terrible idea—there’s only ONE way to have sex in a public restroom—with an anonymous gay man’s wiener in your ass.” Crisis averted, to say the least.

You must hire me! Because, furthermore, I see in your Mediabistro listing that you are looking for someone who is “able to multi-task, a self-starter, entertainment-savvy…deadline-oriented, [and] a problem-solver.” Splendid! I am all those hyphenates and more. I’m also a “frequent-masturbator,” a “raging-alcoholic,” a “beer-battered-catfish-eater,” and a “lover-of-high-school-aged-girls.”

I also possess strong oral and written communication skills, a positive “can do” attitude, and an exceptional foul shooting percentage for a man of my height (7’3 ¼”).

Your final requirement asks for someone that has “at least 2 years of consumer magazine experience, ABOVE AND BEYOND INTERNSHIPS.” (Is your caps lock key broken? Crazy!) Firstly, I have zero internship experience, do not worry—shhhhhhh, don’t tell my parents that all those college summers they paid for me to live in New York I was just smoking weed and getting handjobs from Asian masseuses all day, every day…Hmmm, possible article idea?: “50 Ways to Go From Paid Handjobber to Girlfriend: Tips for Korean Masseuses.” Just a thought. And, secondly, though I haven’t worked for two years at a magazine, I will lie in my resume (attached) and claim that I worked at Highlights for 15 years. I mean, seriously, how hard can it be to work at Cosmo? Especially when you’ve been laid during W’s 2nd term. (Another article idea: “Is Your Man a Goofus or a Gallant?”)

Finally, my salary requirements will be…well, what are you willing to offer? I’d like $350K a year, but I could definitely “do” $45,000. Also, I notice you offer a dental plan. Suh-weet. Can I use that for dentures? I’m sick of gumming all my meals. Well, I guess we will discuss specifics during the interview, huh?

Look forward to hearing from you,

[Cosmo Aaron]

P.S. What is the dress around the office? Are jean shorts acceptable?

You certainly do have good communication skills. probably oral too, but I wouldn't know.
no booty on the rag? prude, wuss...
Hey, with 90% of women NOT on the rag on any given time, why would I venture to stick my penis into a bloody mess while potentially ruining my Spider-man 500 thread count sheets?
Look, I can understand being hyper-vigilant about personal cleanliness during a period, but no sex at all? Even with one of those internal softcup thingys? Geez.
Maureen, what the hell are you talking about? "Internal softcup thingys (sic)"? I've never heard of such a thing. But I'd be happy to try one out with you.
I am truly surprised, yea offended at this disgusting post. I mean really...battered catfish?
I'd love to write your cover letter. Which terrible magazines are you thinking about working for?
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