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Monday, January 16, 2006

An Expose


If you’ve ever read Cosmopolitan magazine and thought to yourself: “There is no way that ANYONE who gets laid would ever possibly offer that kind of advice for women!” then you must join “Is Anyone at COSMO Getting Laid?”(I.A.A.C.G.L) in our search for the hard truth. Now, while this is pure speculation on our part, we felt obligated to start an inquisition, based not on scientific evidence, but on a simple wealth of hilariously inane and inept articles, columns and lists included in each and every issue for women to follow. After reading these monthly articles, we’re constantly scratching our heads and laughing, wondering if anyone on staff (mailroom workers not included) at Cosmo has actually performed successful and satisfying sexual acts. Nevertheless, while advice for women readers such as,

“Throw a large glass of ice-cold water on him, and tell him you did it ‘cause he’s so hot”

would seem to be unequivocal proof that the writer of this advice never ever gets laid (and has many welts on her face and body from the constant beatings being administered by the strangers this woman is throwing freezing liquid on), to be completely scientific we need even more proof. And we are nothing if not scientists.

True, the same author of that previous ‘advice’ also offered women this gem on the same page,

“Tell him you haven’t had sex in two years, and ask if he would be willing to do the honors.”

Which, ipso facto, would seem to end our investigation before it has even started—the genius behind those two nuggets is some one named Molly Triffin for what it’s worth—but we must still delve deeper. We need more facts. No, I don’t need photographic evidence that a penis has NEVER penetrated one of these terrible Cosmo writer’s Brazilian-waxed snatch (Dear Cosmopolitan, What hairstyle do men most prefer…er…“down there”? Shelly: Boise, ID), per se, but I must know more.

But who to tackle in our first expose, our first investigation?

An obvious choice might be to start at the top. The editor-in-chief, Kate White. Surely if this woman is not getting laid, then the whole magazine will reflect her personality (i.e. the editor-in-chief of Hate Monthly is a neo-Nazi as are all his underlings). Let’s have a look at Kate for a sec.

(courtesy of

Not terrible for a 40ish year-old woman. Would we dare say a M.I.L.F. even? Doubt it, but we could. Especially if we were over-zealous to get the M.I.L.F. box checked off on some sort of sexual to-do list we kept (not that I’m saying that I have one of those or anything. Though, if there are any redheaded amputees out there, please email me!) Whatever the case, it’s certainly possible someone has wanted to fuck Kate White at some point in time.

And, most unfortunately of all for our study, Kate has two children. Aged 14 and 17 at the time of press. So, at the least, she was getting some dick back during Operation Desert Storm. Whether she is still getting poked is too lofty of investigation at this point, something we will have to tackle in a later expose. We’ll start with some smaller potatoes to get our feet under us.

I pulled out my copy of the January 2006 issue of Cosmopolitan, the one with Ashlee Simpson on the cover looking pissed that no one in the art department airbrushed her to look like Jessica.

I looked at the authors of every single article in the magazine, to try and pick my first victim for investigation. Something most interesting immediately struck me—nearly 25% of the articles are written by men. Why are men writing so many advice columns in a women’s magazine? Why are men giving women advice on how to fuck on the rag and how to seduce that guy in the mailroom? Most duplicitous of all, Cosmo put the guys’ names in small fonts so women aren't like, "Hey, wait a sec...why is a GUY telling me how to prevent queefs?!" (Don’t pour carbonated beverages down your cooter???) It doesn’t really matter, because the articles written by men are even more laughable than the ones written by women. So I’ll just go on the record for now and say that unless sodomy is involved, none of the XY chromosome authors at Cosmopolitan are getting laid. We will start our investigation with a woman...(COMING SOON…)

Have a good time
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