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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Case File #1: Brooke Le Poer Trench – writer/pollster/shrew



Our first expose investigates a writer (and frequent composer of inane polls) named Brooke Le Poer Trench. The tri-named Le Poer Trench obviously never gets laid; I mean have you ever fucked any one with a three word LAST name? Me neither.

My admittedly lackadaisical research* was unable to uncover anything relevant about the troika-nom’d one. Not her age, her credentials, her race even. Nor was I able to locate any photographic evidence of her. Thus, I can’t superficially tell you, dear reader, whether or not she is “fuckable.” A key point when determining whether or not someone is getting laid.

I did however find a little interesting info. For instance, might Brooke be related to Richard Le Poer Trench, the 2nd Earl of Clancarty from Ireland and Britain back in the 18th and 19th centuries (he is depicted at the start of the expose and though I don’t like to judge the fuckability of person simply after viewing a single regal oil painting of them, I must unequivocally say that the 2nd Earl is “unfuckable” to say the least).

Or…might Brenda be related to the 8th Earl of Clancarty, Brinsley Le Poer Trench**. Brinsley was a bit of a wack-job operating in the mid-20th century.


He was a firm believer in U.F.O.s and in particular, the Hollow Earth theory, which—I’m not fucking kidding—states: “Earth has a hollow interior with a habitable inner surface.”

The Earl of Craziness Le Poer Trench claimed that he could trace his descent from 63,000 B.C., when aliens from other planets landed on Earth in flying saucers. He further claimed that most—note, MOST—humans were descended from these spacemen: "This accounts for all the different color skins we've got here," he reasoned. Furthermore, he explained that a few of these 64th century B.C. aliens did not come from space but emerged through tunnels from inside the earth’s core which "still exist beneath the Earth's crust today"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (my exclamation points denoting how fucking crazy this man is. He makes L. Ron look rational.) According to the Theory, there were eight of these tunnels altogether, ones at the North and South Pole and others in such places as Tibet. "I haven't been down there (South Pole) myself," Le Poer Trench once said, "but from what I gather [these aliens] are very advanced."

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-K. Le Poer Trench was obviously not QUITE as advanced as the creatures he invented in his crazy-mind. And though people that believe in aliens in the year 2005 NEVER get laid—except when they dubiously claim that aliens capture and then buttfuck them—the Earl did get married. FOUR FUCKING TIMES in fact, though I am unable to tell if he spawned any future nutty Le Poer Trenches. What I am saying, is that he may have been, perhaps, the grandfather of our dear COSMO writer Brooke Le Poer Trench.

And the fact that he too was a writer, penning such never-classics as The Sky People (1960), Men Among Mankind (1962), Forgotten Heritage (1964), The Flying Saucer Story (1966), Operation Earth (1969), The Eternal Subject (1973), and Secret of the Ages (1974) , lands this hollow (earth) theory of mine even more weight.

Remarkably, Brinsley’s books are available on Amazon, but they’re those crappy kinda books that have no cover image available, and not a single person has left a customer review or star rating, AND then if for some reason you were fucking wasted and actually wanted to buy one of Brinsley’s books because you thought it would be hilariously shitty then you would have to buy from a used bookseller on the Amazon marketplace for like a quarter (PLUS $3.95 shipping). But I bet they would be fucking hilarious to read, no doubt.
Here’s an actual cover image from one of his books. Kinda looks like a COSMO cover a bit, doesn’t it? What with all the scientifically-created state-of-the-art orbs prominently in display. And the quite evident airbrushing as well (“That’s not what the planet GlaXckZ looks like,” I exclaimed, “They clearly airbrushed out a few of it’s moons!!!”)

I mean, how much different could Brinsley Le Poer Trench’s Hollow Earth tripe possibly be to what Brooke wrote in the current issue of Cosmopolitan? Three articles entitled “How to…Talk Money With Your Man,” “A Blow His Mind Tip: Give Him the Frisky Once Over,” and “How to Totally Rule Your World” (an article about how emulating President Geena Davis on the minor hit TV show “Commander In Chief” can get you ahead in life! You go (get me a beer) girl!!!!!)

In these articles, Brooke L.P.T.—heretofore known as the 1st Earl of Bad Advice—offers such bon mots of wisdom as:

*“Directing a hungry gaze toward your man is a surefire way to get his attention.”

(Why the fuck you staring at me like that, babe?)

*“If it drives you nuts that [your man] never has any cash in his wallet, tell him. But also tell him what you admire.”

(What you admire in terms of your guy’s wallet-storage habits?!!!)

*“[Undress] his body with your peeps, letting them linger over his sexiest spots…once you’ve mentally stripped him down to his birthday suit, stand close and then whisper in his ear exactly what you’re thinking.”

(How bout you just LITERALLY strip me down and we bone instead of wasting all this time?)

*(On following President Geena Davis’s lead): “She wears the pants (and the bra)—Of course you don’t need to fill out a jock strap to be a serious contender for management these days.”

(I haven’t liked Geena Davis since “A League Of Their Own,” when, ironically, she DID wear a jock strap.)

The 1st Earl’s womanly bad advice is really not that much different that advising your readers to go down to the South Pole to find the hole in the Earth’s crust that leads to the tunnels that’ll take you to the Earth’s core where you can have a family reunion, now is it?

It seems that Brinsley and Brooke Le Poer Trench MUST be related!

Fine, but just cause she’s related to a crazy Earl that believes in aliens and doesn’t understand planetary formation, just because she’s an equally terrible writer with terrible advice, that’s not proof that she’s not getting dick is it?

We’ll press on. Another thing the Earl of Bad Advice likes to contribute to society is stupid poll quizzes. Here are two such polls from the web:

Don’t click on those links though, no need to give bad websites any page views. I’ll reprint the more interesting questions from the quizzes, with answers available afterward.

From her quiz entitled “IS REVENGE FOR YOU?”:

1. Someone you’ve crossed sprays weedkiller all over your lawn to spell out a nasty message directed at you. You think this is…?

3. You bust your man’s cyber-affair with some chick he met online. Your first reaction is…?

5. You would describe pursuing payback as…?

Then, in a quiz “DO YOU FALL IN LOVE TOO FAST?” she asks:

2. Getting zero calls from a guy you’ve gone on a date with is…?

7. Think back to your last few relationships. They ended because (be honest!)…?

13. Your new boyfriend is away for a week on business. You…?

I’ve stolen the answer key to the Earl’s quizzes and the solution is:

A. Brooke Le Poer Trench never gets laid and is going to die alone.

If one is supposed to “write what they know,” then the Earl of Bad Advice is obviously a psychotic stalker shrew that drives men to have cyber-affairs, go on prolonged “business trips,” and never ever call her, while driving others to simply T.P. her house and burn hate-filled vitriol into her front lawn. Wow, what a catch!

Egads! Maybe Brooke Le Poer Trench is saving herself for an alien? Might her dream be to penetrate the earth’s core and find some alien “hottie” to bone?

Dear Cosmo: I’ve always wondered, is anal nookie with an alien while I’m on my period, safe? Does the alien think my who-haw smells? And should I be faking the Big O with said alien hottie? Also, one of his two penises is just not that girthy, is this bad?
--Brooke, New York City

Finally, dear reader, since I quite possibly haven’t made a convincing enough argument, that Brooke Le Poer Trench clearly is not getting laid, we will conclude this article with something I think the Earl of Bad Advice would find most appropriate in determining her fate—a poll:

*Two google searches (“brooke le poer trench” “le poer trench”)
**If you are wondering the same thing I immediately did, no, neither the 1st, 3rd through 7th, or any other Earl of Clancarty ad infinitum has ever had the last name Le Poer Trench.
***I fucking love that there’s a “Hollow Earth Insider” magazine. Man, how will us “outsiders” ever learn the latest info about the earth’s core?! Oh, right…we’ll just keep assuming it’s hot as balls down there and impenetrable like normal people who have had a 3rd grade non-home schooled science class.

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