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Thursday, January 26, 2006

Attention All Bad Boys!!! Help Women Out.

My dream has finally come true...COSMO is affording me this most valuable opportunity in allowing me--and any one else who has a penis for that matter--to dispense our own thoughts on the fairer sex in an upcoming issue of their glossy rag.

To wit:

"Attention, All Bad Boys:

Have you ever done something so downright devilish that you've never told a soul? Did you tell a girl you had only a few weeks to live just so you could get her in the sack? Break up with a cheating chick in front of all of her friends at her own birthday party? Well, now's your chance to come clean (anonymously) for a future article about bad-boy confessions..."

I will have to submit something so tantalizing to them that they will be forced to pick me. I mean, I AM a badboy. I don't shave and own a leather jacket. Isn't that "bad"? I will follow this submission process like a New Jersey guido plays table roullette in A.C., by putting a chip on every number on the table, to ensure my chances of succeeding. Let's hope the ball doesn't land in double-zero.

As Alex Trebec would say:

Here are the categories...:

"We [COSMO] want to know if you're guilty of..."

*Tricking a girl into having sex with you

Absolutely. Once I told this rocket scientist I met at my local watering hole* that my penis tasted like a creamsicle. She bought it! As she was slobbering on my weiner, she kept stopping, screwing up ma' grooze an' shit, and saying, "I still don't TASTE anything, A-Dog!" I'd tell her, keep trying, and pretty soon you'll taste the creme-y center! Ha! I tell you, these girls at my local watering hole* are so easy to dupe! (* "local watering hole" = "local junior high school")

*Dumping a chick in the most humiliating way possible

It's kind of hard to humilate the kind of girls that one encounters in society nowadays. I mean, these are the kind of small-of-the-back-tattooed skanks that enjoy being defecated on for sexual pleasure. So, as you can imagine, you really have to go "over the top" when dumping a year 2006 girl to make her face turn red. Personally, I like to send over a singing telegram, you know, a guy in a gorilla costume or something who then sings the tried-and-true song, "Sorry baby, I'm dumpin' you...Hope you enjoyed the herpes I gave you...!" The whole office always enjoys hearing from a singing guy in a gorilla costume! Fun!!!

*Getting even with a girl for wronging you

Have I ever got even with a girl for wronging me? Hmmm. Does sending my mother to a nursing home count? I mean, she did refuse to let me have an awesome Super Sweet 16 birthday party and instead made me celebrate my sixteenth by taking only 5 of my homies to the local Brunswick bowling lanes. The bitch. Serves her right for wronging me. I hope she enjoys pissing in a bed pan for the rest of her life.

*Having sex with someone you really shouldn't have (example: your girlfriend's mother!)

Oh gawd yes. Once I got really drunk and had sex with some worthless J.A.P. that reads COSMO. It was sooooooooooooo embarrassing to me. I mean, during foreplay she kept trying to put a donut on my penis. What? Why was she keeping a rainbow sprinkled in her purse? And then when I tried to go down on her she kept asking me how her cha-cha smelled. Weird! And wouldn't you know it, when the time for intercourse came, she told me she was on the rag and wondered if I "think that's a turn on." Gross. I really shouldn't have had sex with her and I need to quit picking up COSMO-readers at bars. Lesson learned!

*Lying to a girl when you hit on her at a bar/party

Dear Cosmo, no man has ever NOT lied to a girl when hitting on her at a bar slash party. Although my lies are usually a little more tame than most men's. Instead of bragging about my income, career prospects, phallus size, or bedroom stamina, I usually only lie on one single question a girl may ask me, "[Anonymous], do you find me interesting?" Why, yes, yes, I do. Please tell me some more about "Grey's Anatomy."

I have submitted these all to COSMO and look forward to seeing these appear in an upcoming issue of the magazine. I will then cut my quote out with my special pinking shears, laminate the piece of paper, and promptly flush it down the toilet.

I encourage my fellow readers to also submit their own homespun wisdom to COSMO. COSMO notes: "If any of these scenarios apply to you, we want the scoop! Also, tell us if any of your evil plots ever backfired. We've heard it all, so don't be afraid to shock us!"

They've "heard it all"? Are they serious? Do you understand how fucking simple it would be to shock COSMO? You'd simply have to tell them that some people actually have sex with the lights on and I think their minds would be blown.

Any how, I'll report back on how many of my little true anecdotes end up getting published. But you all are huge COSMO fans and read every single word of the magazine whenever a new issue hits newstands, so I'm sure you'll know soon enough too.

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