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Friday, December 30, 2005
DOUCHES OF THE MONTH
Not that this homo-douche would know, but most guys fuck women side-by-side because we're lazy (and it's the best position to watch TV in without your girl noticing.) Sex shouldn't be a workout, and side-by-side is without doubt the low-impact Jazzercise of fucking.
I mean, does this joke not write itself? Of course this two-bit Orlando Bloom-looking douche prefers to be banged from behind. Hargave further explains, "In this position he can't make eye contact, so when you cum all over his back, he won't feel it until Mr. Side-by-Side's man paste has dripped down all the way to gay(er?) Orlando Bloom's pink pajama pants with the sheep on them."
(images from Cosmopolitan magazine)
Monday, December 26, 2005
50 Fun Ways to Get Closer
Sunday, December 25, 2005
How To Know If He's Hot For You
Uncertain if your crush is interested? Read this advice from Cosmopolitan and you'll immediately be certain--certain that your crush certainly isn't interested in your sorry Cosmopolitan advice-following ass.
“Mojo magic”? Are you kidding me?! This is why no one at Cosmopolitan gets laid—because not only do they use alliterative foolishness, but they actually believe that guys have a thing called “mojo,” which rises and falls like well water. Well, I’ll tell you what, adult males aren’t worried about rejection—male pattern baldness, our fantasy QB getting injured, and unwanted pregnancies, maybe—but none of us are worried about stupid whores that use the term “mojo magic” rejecting us. Especially when we’re drunk off our ass.
Meet Aaron*, 26, the guy writing what you are currently reading: “Yo, I went out with Jessica too. Bitch had the stupidest glasses I’ve ever seen in my life. I kept telling her that, No, it’s not cool that your glasses tint darker when you go outside in the sun. But, she kept playfully slapping me and going, "You love me!" Actually, I didn’t. Women with glasses make my mojo magic dip to critical levels.”
*Names haven’t been changed because I don’t give a fuck
I am currently sitting on Tom’s $4,000 couch and let me say, he had every right to brag about this couch. It is fucking phat, yo. Wow, Tom, you must really be doing well to purchase this couch made out of the skin of Cosmopolitan's editors. A couch that not only massages your back, but also massages your ego which is so insecure and lacking in mojo magic because some stupid “cute girl” didn’t immediately take you into the coat room and suck you off after you were so kind to as tell her about your awesome $4,000 couch. What the hell, Tom, I’ll blow you.
No, a guy is prying into your past because he's sick of meeting wanton sluts who's previous life included gang bangs and bukake parties. Seth doesn't care that you used to date some i-banker tool from Morgan Stanley, no, Seth cares that your vagina is a primordial stew of chlamydia, herpes, and as-yet-undiscovered crustaceous life forms. I’m not worried about a future with you, I’m worried about a future in which I still have a functional Johnson.
Let's be serious, no guy in the history of the world plays hard to get. Jake wasn't worried about coming across as pathetic, Jake was worried about spending some $200 on dinner on this trick, then getting drunk on house red, banging her and then waking up from his fugue some 4 months later with some terrible girlfriend constantly nagging him: "Jaaaaaaaake, why won't you make love to me?! Is it because your mojo magic is so low?"
LISTEN UP Cosmopolitan, just because you yet again sent an email proposition to some ex-frat boy you met in a Murray Hill bar, and yet again he blew you off, does not mean you need to write an article about the subject, does not mean he's playing "hard to get." He's playing "NEVER to get."
(images from Cosmopolitan magazine)
Women's Sizzling Come-Ons